I very rarely post critical takes on entertainment fare. If I don't care for an offering, I just don't mention it. But this movie evoked so much dismay, bewilderment and frustration, I simply have to vent somewhere.

Spoilers for Ad Astra follow, I guess. ¯\_(?)_/¯

The first act of the film consisted primarily of Brad Pitt trying to out-stoic Ryan Gosling in First Man (a mistake, because no one wil EVER out-stoic Ryan Gosling in First Man), accompanied by a Blade Runner-esque voiceover that, despite being delivered by Brad Pitt, managed to be both dull and depressing.

The film spent the next hour hodgepodging all the films it wanted to be but didn't have the energy to commit to. One part Gravity, one part The Expanse, two parts Interstellar, and a disturbingly three parts Blade Runner 2049 (again with the Gosling worship). I honestly would not have been surprised if the big twist was that Pitt's character was a replicant

The first time the film got interesting was when Pitt's stoic shell cracked and he showed an iota of emotion on Mars - then it was immediately disrupted by a bizarre Bruce Lee kung fu sequence in space.🤨

Then we're briefly back to Interstellar, except Pitt got cranky because he didn't have one of those 'long nap' pods like Mcconaughey did.

For the final act, the film chose the cinematic masterpiece Event Horizon as its primary inspiration.🥺 Thankfully, a river of blood never swept through the ship passageways, but I kept expecting it to right up until the credits rolled.

Every time Tommy Lee Jones came on screen, #MrJennsen started quoting Marlon Brando...something about 'being an errand boy sent by grocery clerks.'🙄

Finally, we were treated to a couple of lovely shots of Neptune and some stoic family drama. Then Pitt returned home to be reunited with Liv Tyler like this was Armageddon or something, except without the rousing Aerosmith soundtrack to make it feel poignant.

Maybe the film is just a B-grade attempt at an Apocalypse Now/Heart of Darkness retelling in space, and that's all there is to it. I just know I suddenly have the urge to watch the many films that it strove and failed to be. In fact, I think I hear #MrJennsen putting on Apocalypse Now in the other room as we speak.

Originally posted on Facebook.